What if #metoo was #youtoo?

#BelieveSurvivors

Thursday, September 27, 2018

My morning routine includes: Wake up. Make Tea. Listen to the 20-minute DAILY podcast by the New York Times.  I listen to it at 1.5 x speed, so it goes by pretty quickly.

Today, I found myself extremely emotional after the show was over.  Let me expand. I was crying.  I was sad.  I was frustrated.  Then, I was angry.

Generally speaking, I do not feel those emotions very often.  It takes a lot to move me to tears and anger.  Yes, I frequently get frustrated and stressed, however this was not the same.

The podcast discussed the tiresome Supreme Court confirmation hearings, but this time focused on “What happened to Anita Hill.”  Hearing her being chastised and attacked by a group of men (three of which are on the panel for the current hearings) frustrated me.

I can’t imagine the strength it took to stand in front of the world and admit she was a victim, only to be humiliated.  After this controversial case of he said she said, I understand why it’s taken so long for the #metoo movement to gain momentum.

Thinking back to what Anita Hill endured in 1991, I can only hope things are different now. The #metoo movement hit its height in the past year, even though it began in 2006. Is it finally time we see the decline of sexual inequality?  Has the world started to understand that many women face inequality and abuse while living in a man’s world?

One of the biggest criticisms/questions I hear about women coming forward with their experience is:  Why has it taken them so long to speak out?

 

Ask yourself this question: What if #metoo was #youtoo?

 

Sure, it’s easy to say “I would:  Speak out immediately!  Go to the authorities. Tell a loved one. Get support. Take matters into my own hands.”

My favorite knee jerk response: “I would never be a victim.”

As I continued my day, I caught a glimpse of the final straw that sent me over the edge.  The Catholic Church statement that “they should not be judged by modern standards over a sexual abuse scandal, because attitudes towards abuse … have changed drastically over the years.”

I got angry.

The last time I got this angry, was when the female gymnasts came forward about the abuse they endured from their doctor.  I could barely contain myself, but I wasn’t ready to confront my feelings at that time.

I am a 40-year-old Chinese-American woman. I am viewed by many people as strong and independent.  I teach kung fu for a living. I bought a house in my early twenties.  I did stunt work.  I produced, directed, and edited an award-winning movie.  I manage an international company.  I am an activist.  Last year, I found a new voice and started Culture Chat podcast.

Anything I set my mind to…I get it done.

I don’t list these characteristics to brag about how accomplished I am. I have much to learn, and I work at bettering myself every day.  I reflect often and practice mindful meditation.

I share these facts about my life, because despite how strong I am, despite how much I have accomplished, I also know what it is like to be a victim.

I ask the question: What if #metoo was #youtoo? – because it is easy to think you would know what to do if you were a victim. It is easy to believe that you would advocate for yourself immediately after being a victim of any type of abuse.

I can tell you from personal experience, it’s not.

In the last year I have been tormented over speaking out about my #metoo experience. I am no one of consequence.  I am not a celebrity with a high profile. I am not a politician who has a platform or agenda to push.  I’m just me.

I have nothing to gain from sharing my story.  It is so much easier to move along through life pretending nothing ever happened.  To avoid judgmental stares, uncomfortable questions, or worse… not being believed.

I have suppressed acceptance of being a victim for many years.  I pretended that it didn’t happen, because I was not ready to confront the truth.  I felt weak, hurt, afraid, guilty, and ashamed.  I do not like confronting any of those feelings.

I have felt a strong growing sense of responsibility to share my experience over the past year.  Ironically, I first told my husband just before the explosion of the #metoo movement last year.

So why now?  I do not want to hide in fear.  I want my story to be used as an example for those that can learn from it.  I want to stand in solidarity with others.  I want people to empathize and #BelieveSurvivors.

I think about the horror of the cover ups in the Catholic Church, and I feel guilty for not sharing my story to help others.  Being raised Catholic has given me deep seeded guilt… although the church doesn’t seem to feel guilt.  One of many reasons I no longer attend church.  Although my experience did not happen in the church, I cannot respect an organization that has allowed this to happen over and over again.

My experience is unlike other #metoo accounts I have heard, because I was not harassed or abused by someone who was my peer or boss.  However, it was someone who was in a ‘position of power’ over me.

Many would look at me and think, how is this possible?  Mimi is so strong, both mentally and physically.  She is a kung fu master!  She chased a thief out of her house last year!  How could she be a victim?

The Mimi today is not a victim. The Mimi as a child, was.

I was taken advantage of and molested by a relative who is 4 years older than me. This may seem like a trivial number, but it is not.  Comparing the size, maturity, and awareness of a 10-year-old girl to that of a 14-year-old male teen, it is a big difference.  Imagine what you would do if you caught a 16-year-old taking advantage of a 12-year-old.

These actions cannot be justified.  I’ve heard people make excuses that “teenagers have hormones”, or “they are just being young and playful”, or that “these are just two kids who don’t know better’.”

This is something that has taken many years of therapy to work through.  Years of pushing the memory out of my mind, because I thought it was my fault.  I thought it was my fault because I didn’t fight and defend myself, as I would today.

I lived the majority of my life pretending it didn’t happen, because I was afraid of what others would think.  For over 30 years I’ve lived with being ashamed and embarrassed because I was a victim of sexual abuse.

Now, the stronger me, the non-victim-me, is ready to speak out.  I can understand why women take 30 years to speak out.  I can understand because I can answer: What if #metoo was #youtoo?

So why has it taken me 30 years?

Even though I don’t owe anyone an explanation, I have decided to share, because I want others to understand how often this happens. I want others to know what happens when a child is abused by someone they trust, and who was trusted to babysit me. I want others to learn from my experience.

Everyone deals with trauma differently.  It is important that we respect and honor everyone’s choice in how they deal with trauma, and most importantly – not to judge.  Unless you can answer the question: What if #metoo where #youtoo? … you cannot understand.

I see my family and look at all of the young children in the family.  Over the years, I have witnessed a new generation of kids running around the house playing … however, it never occurred to me that each child is in danger of being a victim… or an abuser.  I never felt my experience had relevance to anyone else until recently.

As an educator, I believe it is my responsibility to highlight a teachable moment. I believe all parents have a responsibility to teach their kids honestly and openly.  Deciding to bring another human into the world means you have to educate them.  One of the most important lessons that gets overlooked because it is taboo or uncomfortable, is sex education for children.

Children need to learn about personal space and body safety immediately.  Parents should not fall into the stigma of ‘not talking’ about the human body and sexuality.  It is science and health.  Teach them. Don’t assume they know right and wrong.

We should teach children as young as 2 what it means to have personal space.  We should be mindful of what they are allowed to watch on TV, and how much access to they have to the internet.  Sex is romanticized.  It is very easy for older children to manipulate younger children. It happens more frequently than you want to believe.

Those who know me personally know that I am one for extensive research.  If I am going to buy anything a phone, a vitamin, a car – I research it to the fullest.  I tend to go a little over board.

After extensive research and therapy, I have finally forgiven myself for ‘allowing’ this to happen.  I realize now that I am not at fault.  I understand that someone several years older than me was abusing his power. His power of age, awareness, and his ability to manipulate me.

I was shocked to discover how frequently children under the age of 10 are sexually abused by an older sibling or cousin.  Do I think 12-year old children and teenagers around the world should be arrested?  No, I am saying they need to be educated.  Maybe –  there wasn’t any malice.  Maybe – there was.  Abuse can be physical.  Abuse can be emotional.

It is an abuse of power when a woman is harassed by her boss or someone who has the power to grant them a job.

It is an abuse of power when a priest takes advantage of a child.

It is an abuse of power when a child is taken advantage of by anyone older and more powerful.

As I write this, I feel like I could keep writing.  However, it is another form of therapy for me. When I discovered that my story was common, I felt less alone, but I was angry.  I was angry because I thought if more people discussed the abuse, then perhaps it wouldn’t happen so frequently.

The statistics I read from these articles[1][2]are shocking.  I cringed when I read it.  I was surprised at how much of it applied to me. (in red) You may cringe as well, but as I’ve said before on Culture Chat podcast– if an issue makes us uncomfortable, we should be discussing it.

1. Approximately 20 percent of girls (1 in 5) and 8 percent of boys (1 in 12.5) will be sexually abused before their 18th birthday (Pereda et al, 2009).
2. 95 percent of sexually abused children will be abused by someone they know and trust (NAPCAN 2009).
3. Of those molesting a child under six, 50 percent were family members. Family members also accounted for 23 percent of those abusing children 12 to 17 years (Snyder, 2000).
4. The most vulnerable age for children to be exposed to sexual assault is between 3 and 8 years with the majority of onset happening between these ages (Browne & Lynch, 1994).
5. Males made up 90 percent of adult child sexual assault perpetrators, while 3.9 percent of perpetrators were female, with a further 6 percent classified as ’unknown gender’ (McCloskey & Raphael, 2005).
6. As many of 40 percent of children who are sexually abused are abused by older, or more powerful children. (Finkelhor, 2012) Note: with the easy access to pornography we are seeing more and more cases of child on child sexual abuse, and older children/siblings sexually abusing younger children. (Jones L., et al 2012).
7. Eighty-four percent of sexual victimization of children under 12 occurs in a residence (Snyder, 2000).
8. In 98 percent of child abuse cases reported to officials, children’s statements were found to be true (NSW Child Protection Council, cited in Dympna House 1998).
9. 1 in 3 adults would not believe a child if they disclosed sexual abuse (Australian Childhood Foundation, 2010).
10. Seventy-three percent of child victims do not tell anyone about the abuse for at least 1 year. Forty-five percent do not tell anyone for 5 years. Some never disclose (Broman-Fulks et al, 2007).
11. Survivors of childhood sexual abuse are 10 to 13 times more likely to attempt suicide. (Plunkett A, O’Toole B, Swanston H, Oates RK, Shrimpton S, Parkinson P 2001).
12. Children living without either parent (foster children) are 10 times more likely to be sexually abused than children who live with both biological parents. Children who live with a single parent that has a live-in partner are at the highest risk: they are 20 times more likely to be victims of sexual abuse than children living with both biological parents (Sedlack et al, 2010).

Final statistic to think about: Every 8 minutes child protective services substantiates, or finds evidence for, a claim of child sexual abuse.[3]

This was infuriating.

#4 is blue, because honestly, I could have been anywhere from 8-12 years old.  Here’s where some scoff at for not ‘remembering’ the details of time.  I can promise you though, I remember the details of the incidents.  Yes – plural, incidents.

It’s disgusting to me how quick people are to disbelieve women.  Women are called liars.  However, when an adult man finally opens up regarding abuse by priests, the majority of society believes him.  When veterans talk about their PTSD, but have forgotten dates or details of the events, they are rightfully believed.  Why don’t women get the same benefit of the doubt?

The worst part about these statistics, is that they are not accurate.  They are much lower than reality, because most victims stay silent.  I do believe everyone has a right to keep their experience private.  However, for me, the silence has ended.

I started my podcast to help people empathize through personal stories. I have found people empathize when they hear someone share their story, especially someone they might know. Reading statistics only makes people think that they are in the percentage that it won’t happen to.

If anyone can find strength to share their story, or needs help, know you are not alone.  There are some incredible organizations to help you through this.  Most importantly, there are people who will believe you and understand.

Although I respect everyone’s personal decisions, I encourage other victims and survivors not to be silent a statistic.  I am fortunate that I have found strength, sought help, and have support. I have dealt with the abuse in my own way.  Protecting those around me, more than I’ve tried to protect myself.  I am learning to protect myself and heal properly now. There is no more anger.

I am a survivor, and I want everyone to know.

#BelieveSurvivors

 

 

[1]https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/12-confronting-statistics-on-child-sexual-abuse_us_587dab01e4b0740488c3de49

 

[2]http://victimsofcrime.org/media/reporting-on-child-sexual-abuse/child-sexual-abuse-statistics

 

[3]https://www.rainn.org/statistics/children-and-teens

Resources for Child Sexual Abuse:

www.rainn.org

Kids House

helpingsurvivors.org/child-sexual-abuse/

Disclaimer: I am not a writer. I do not claim to be. Apologies for grammatical mistakes, long drawn out run on sentences, and anything else that drives you crazy. I promise it was not my intention.  Be lenient, please!

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